Opposition in all things

2 Nephi 2:11
For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

It has been such a long time since I’ve taken the time to write and it seems like each journal entry every few months starts that way. When I’m feeling crappy everything seems dark and dreary and the last thing I want to do is write in my journal about how frustrated, discouraged and negative I am. I need to get better at that. I need to write when I don’t feel like it, but for now this is going to have to do.

This week is a glorious and bright week and because of that I feel like writing. I can speculate several reasons why this week is better, but I’m always hesitant to do so because of this constant ever-changing unpredictable body that I have. The one thing I am certain about is that I’m closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that makes a difference, always.

Last week Devin and I went to see Dr. Don Stromquist at the Utah Arthritis Center. There was much anxiety and anticipation going into the appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting chair a rush of emotions hit me as I reflected on what I have been through so far. Then, something changed. Instead of falling into the negative rut of comparing my current body to what I use to be and getting depressed and discouraged, I looked at my adorable husband and realized that I need to be stronger and more optimistic. He helps me in so many ways. I was then suddenly given this new outlook, this new hope, faith and motivation to accept what I have been given and to be grateful it is not worse than it is. It is not the end of the world although at times it feels like it is. I understood the need to accept what I have been given and make the best of it, not looking back comparing to what I use to have or what I use to be able to do.

If we fast forward a week, I got all my test results back from Dr. Stromqust and it DOES NOT appear to be RA. Still possible? Yes, but very unlikely. We will know for sure after my follow up visit in a couple weeks.

When I got the call about the test results I was filled with feelings of disappointment but yet rejoicing all at the same time; disappointment because I want an answer and rejoicing because it’s not as bad as it could be. I later broke down into tears one night with Devin as I expressed my frustrations of the unknown. “I know I’m strong, I know I’m a fighter, but when I don’t know what I’m fighting it’s hard to stay strong.” Being allowed to recognize these emotions helped me to move on and to try to stay positive. The doctors are speculating Fibromyalgia now and put me on a medication, despite my hesitancy. I take a ¼ of a pill every other night to help me sleep and to help with the overall pain and fatigue. So far, I’m attributing my great week partly to this new medication. Usually I’m against medication, but at this point I’m embracing whatever will help me be able to function and enjoy life as a newlywed.

It’s hard to always be so exhausted and tired and barely make it through a day at work only to come home and collapse on the couch. Laundry piles up, cleaning piles up and the stress just mounts until I hit a breaking point because I usually don’t have the energy to do the mundane tasks in life. This week has given me hope as I come home with energy to cook and clean and take care of my wonderful husband! I look at the clock and its 8:30 and I still have energy to do something instead of pulling my exhausted body from the couch to bed. Life is so much better when I have this amazing energy. I hope I am making progress and can continue to keep this light in my life. 2 Nephi 2:11 came to my mind this morning as I was driving to work. Had I not been given months of trials I would not be able to rejoice this week in the simple pleasures of having energy to get ready in the morning, make lunches, smile at work and still have energy to go home with an optimistic attitude to cook and laugh and enjoy the evening with my husband. I hold this week so dear to my heart as I love life and love who I am when I can have this energy, hope and vigor for life! All I can do is hope and pray that I can figure out what is working and hold on to that. I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience a healthy body this week and providing that glimpse of hope for the future. I can do it. I can make it. I can figure out what is wrong and fight it. For now, I will continue pushing, continue being positive and continue being proactive in finding an answer. Fibromyalgia just doesn’t seem to be the answer. It doesn’t bring peace to my soul. It leaves me thinking that there is some other answer waiting for me out there. As Devin told me, “it may take several years for us to find out what is going on and in the meanwhile you can't give up. You have to keep fighting and I know you can.” and that is EXACTLY what I will do! I'm not letting the unknown lead to frustration and discouragement. Until I have an answer I am enjoying every hour of every day and appreciating the times like this week when I’m feeling healthy and strong. Let the journey continue. I can do it because I have the Lord on my side.