My silent struggle

Starting this blog is my attempt to acknowledge and deal with the physical struggle that I face daily. To me the main reason I keep this as my silent struggle is because I don't have definite answers at to what is going on. I reference this as my silent struggle because that is what it has become; me and my illness, ALONE, together fighting against one another. I don't like to talk about how I feel physically because it always makes me feel like I'm complaining and looking for an excuse for why I can't do this or why I can't do that. To some extent I have been in denial, thinking that if I don't let anyone else acknowledge what is going on in my body then maybe nothing will be going on in my body. This however is not going to work now that I am married and share my life with someone nor will it work in the future when we try to start a family.

The past 6 years have been a lonely journey of trial and error and still no definite answers. At times I wonder if it is just my mind making up the pain and fatigue. I then take a moment and look back and recognize that this is not something I make up, but instead it is real and it's time to acknowledge what I have been through. A brief background about my journey thus far is not intended in any way to complain or to seek sympathy, but instead is a way for me to create positive thoughts about how far I have come.

I grew up as a healthy child and never had any indication that one day I would face a physical trial that would completely change my everyday life. In 2005 I decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. On that mission I was placed under extreme stress and my physical body manifested that stress through illness. I saw several doctors and ended up at home in Seattle undergoing sinus surgery. Words cannot describe the emotions that are associated with that procedure at that time of my life and the emotions that carry through. After surgery I tried to get my life back but about every 6 months I would get sick again. After numerous doctors and 2 states later the laundry list of procedures and diagnosis stands: chronic sinusitis, epstein barr virus, hypoclycemia, anemia, irritable bowel syndrome, allergies, nerve testing, mono, strep, sinus infection, auto immune disease. We are left now looking into rheumatoid arthritis.

Believe it or not, over the last 6 years I have been able to hide it, but it's time to face the facts and be honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I face, even if we don't have the answers yet. This will be a place for me to document the process and motivate me to find things that make me feel better, no matter what the doctors and specialists tell me.

I believe in listening to my body and trusting what it is telling me while acknowledging that each day is different. This is my goal to become aware of what my body is telling me TODAY and what I need to do TODAY to take care of myself. I hope I can find wellness, happiness and ME in this journey.